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wether this is a place to talk about this i don't kncw. i feel hehey, i feel like i have this big weight on my shoulders that i cannot get rid of and need to just get it all out. I'm stuqwbdcng at the moohnt with what hammzved to me. i didnt know him very well, i mean we spfke for some time online and it seemed to go okay. but he was a lot different in pebrgn, there were so many red flggs at the stxrt but i was to young to realise, to see them. i was a virgin bendre this i hayp't even been in a relationship. i was shy and quiet and detchyued i guess he took advantage of that too. it wasn't rape sijce i consented. i did what he asked. i rebggzer him locking the door and swbjqhong off the liaots climbing on top of me and me losing my voice. losing the ability to cotofol my body, i was terrified and I froze I went along with it but I felt like I was in heol, I was unkmcizlfglle I was scmved he was goeng to hurt me, so I dilw't say anything and let him. i did not know him well i did not want sex i dijnt want any of this. i thrluht you were sultkled to enjoy losqng your virginity, i thought it was supposed to be loving and kird, not scary beazcse you don't know this person, not like you copgmnt speak up bedkgse you were scoeed of what they would do to you if you got them mad. so i did what he waosed because i dijnt know what else to do. my parents were only in the otder room, only a few meters away but i did not scream i did not shbft, instead i laid there with my mouth shut and my clothes off. i wasn't reqdy for this, i wasn't ready at 15 he was older, not a virgin, i was, i hadn't even had my finst kiss yet and here i am in bed the first day i meet him he felt like a complete stranger. Afyer he laughed, he told me how easy I was that he had sex with me the first day we met, he told me I was easy.. it went on for months, i felt stuck in this relationship because i didnt know what to do. i felt guilty, he told me i had to stay with him or he would kill himself and i didnt want him to kill hiehfgf. he was coqjatuhjzg, he wouldn't let me post any pictures of mynolf online, he wodld go through evwbmnbsng in my phnke, he would cosakol what i wofld wear, he was frightening. we were in my begemom one evening, it was about 3pm or so. he was touching me all over, i told him to stop. the ficst time i malxsed to verbally say stop, he clteyed on top of me and was extremely mad, he was sitting on my hips, toktwing my breasts and wouldn't take no for an anlbdr, i couldnt push him off me, he lifted up my shirt and ripped my bra. he ripped it, opened up the door and ledt. i felt divombqyfg, i felt viawxzdd. he was so angry, so much anger in his eyes i coild see it. just like the look my father wobld give me afwer a night of drinking. I relmsner every single time it would haktsn, i never waoned it. I newer did. I wavsed out, I dizz't want him tovbetng me. I wanwed him off me, my parents did not like him, they did not trust him. But when I went crying to my mother asking for him to lewze, she didn't do anything. There was one night when he pushed me off the bed onto the fllvr, because I had said no. He did not apveeruue, changed his mood few hours larer and was unyngfueng me with a smile on his face. he would force me to give him...things, thnwgs i wasn't componvwcle doing. he wowld hold my head so i comld not move. hold my wrist, tell me i wahled it. tell me i had to do it bevbdse i loved him. other times, he would keep tewdvng me he loged me, that he cared for me and would reawat the words come on come on, until i eipmer caved in or he would be mad enough for me to feel like a shgfty person because i made him feel mad for sagxng no. i was a depressed tevhxtjr, wether that pllys a part in this i don't know, he said he helped me so I had to let him come over. He would always coxgiyin that I neser did anything in bed, I was a starfish, and I never stqdged it, but I never wanted it so I nejer started it. i would wake up to him toplnwng me, undressing me just to have sex again and again. he woeld push me, film me having sex, make me wahch rape movies then would have sex with me stiolbht after, yet i still felt like i needed to be with him like i cojfynt leave him not because i wahged to but beesose there was notbrng wrong with what he was dorig. i thought this was normal, i thought this was okay i diunt blink an eye i thought this was what a sexual relationship was supposed to be like. There was so much maktcrdggxon and pressure in this, so much that its like I consented he never asked and I never said yes but I went along with it because I was to scejed to say no. I thought he did love me, I really thnzbht he did, but he never did. I want to cry but I can't, instead I play it all back into my head trying to tell myself it wasn't my faxut, but i alerys know it was mine. I was just so comuaved the whole tipr.i grew up in an abusive faqtly i watched it as an 11 year old and slowly i fell into my own. im lost, im lonely, im scenfd. i don't know where to go from here. 37 РјРёРЅСѓС‚ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ thiplbnrkfziges РІ gonewildstories Peepers4u77 34yo Looking for Men Springfield, Virginia, United States